A few thoughts

As I was lying in the endodontist's chair today having a root canal, I admitted to myself that I have been feeling quite blue lately. My numbed mind drifted through the events of the last year, flitting briefly through different occasions and on different people, and suddenly my numbed brain came to rest on Pollyanna.

You know whom I'm talking about. Pollyanna, of the book, of the Disney movie, that girl who has it tough but she always comes through with the "like game" and a positive attitude and that winning smile.

I've mentioned Pollyanna before and my likeness to her usually sunny personality. I'm not sure when it happened, but sometime in my life, my personality and Pollyanna's became married and I became this hopelessly optimistic person. People tell me all the time that my disposition is "sunny" and "cheerful" and that "nothing seems to get me down"... just like Pollyanna!

It's great and all, and most of the time it does me good and helps others, but sometimes all that sunniness and the like game and all that jazz make it awfully hard for me to take a break from smiling and cheering and bucking up through the rough times. It's difficult to take a deep breath and let myself feel sadness or anger or fear because people are expecting me to be happy and optimistic and handle my challenges with grace! It's a lot of pressure that I put on myself. It can be a very heavy load.

Remember when I wrote about my tooth hurting like a mofo back in October? Well, it started up again a few weeks ago. I toughed it out until a few days before Christmas, when I knew something had to be done or my Christmas would be miserable. My dear Dr. Miller took x-rays and poked around with his awful instruments and determined my tooth was abscessing. He prescribed pain killers and an antibiotic and referred me to a specialist. He said not to be surprised if more things like this pop up, considering the trauma my teeth and jaw went through last summer in my accident.

I thought I was fine. Whatevs, I've obviously had worse done to my mouth than a root canal, and this can't possibly be as painful and traumatic as having my jaw wired shut or my front teeth pulled.

But later that day on my way home from work, with my tooth throbbing and my stomach upset from antibiotics, I stopped at the grocery story to pick up some garlic bread. Suddenly it occurred to me that one of these days, I might be some place like the grocery store doing something mundane like this and I might possibly run into the person who caused my accident. Suddenly I was furious. My breathing was shallow, I felt hot, and my hands were sweating. I was so angry at the person who caused my accident that I could hardly think straight. I almost had to sit down, I was that upset. I started thinking about what I would say to him. I wondered how he would react. Would he listen? Walk away? Tell me it's my fault for riding a scooter in the first place? Does he even care?

I didn't dwell too long on all that unpleasantness. My anger that night was brief and shortly thereafter it fizzled and burned out. I thought I had dealt with it - after all, it's been 6 months since my accident - and I figured it was good for me to think through these things and put it to rest.

Last night as I was running some errands, though, these thoughts crossed my mind again. I tried to push them from my mind, thinking that I wanted to be upbeat and fun when I got home to spend time with Ryan. Who wants to be around an angry or depressed spouse? Who wants to be talking about this accident after all this time? At some point, don't I need to move on? Resolutely, I finished my errands and decided not to mention anything about it to Ryan.

But instead, when I came home, I sat down on the couch and announced to Ryan that I needed to talk to him about something. Nervously, he eyed me and gingerly sat on the couch next to me.

I took a deep breath. "I need it to be OK if I'm not happy all the time," I said. "I need it to be OK if I'm upset or angry or blue. I've gone through a lot this year and I can't always be happy."

Ryan looked relieved. He gave me a long hug and when he pulled away he had tears in his eyes. "Of course that's OK!" he responded. "It's always been OK."

This replayed in my mind while I was having my root canal today. I thought about my likeness to Pollyanna and how I detest it sometimes. I gave myself permission to be upset that I'm having more dental work done. I let myself feel a little bit sorry for Kate. I even let myself feel pissed at the dude who creamed me with his truck.

But wouldn't you know, when the root canal was all over and my mouth was nice and numb, and Ryan and I did a little post-Christmas shopping, and we had dinner with our dear friends Jonathan and Sarah, and Cleany did a little run-through of our house... who returned to the House of B but my friend Pollyanna! And I didn't even invite her. I didn't even think about it.

Suddenly I was in a better mood again. After weeks of feeling blue, it's been lifted. I don't know if I should be mad or glad about this... but it is what it is.

I'm sharing this all with you because a friend recently asked me why I haven't blogged much lately. I guess I've felt too anxious or blue or in pain or tired or... you get the picture. I just haven't felt perfect enough to write about my life. I haven't wanted to depress you, dear friends of the blog. I've wanted to entertain you or share my fun crafts or share great stories about Ryan and the kids. I've worried that you don't want to hear more about the sadder things that have happened in the last year and how sometimes I struggle to make sense of it all.

But this is life. This is what it's all about. Good things happen and bad things happen and there's no shame in sharing it all. If you're still reading this... I know it's practically a novel!... thanks for sticking it out with me.

XXOO

Stars

My stars! I spent all day today obsessively tracing, cutting, scoring, 3D-ing, and gluing stars. After reading this tutorial from Little Birdie Secrets, I just couldn't help myself. I simply had to make this wreath! I loved using up my Christmas scraps and old buttons. The wreath now hangs cheerily in our family room. I can't wait for the kids to see it.